Lost

Either that or I’ve got nowhere else to go.

I really wanted to share my thoughts with someone but it seems like no one is around to listen. And for those who are… I’m not sure they’d really care.

That Is why I decided to come back here. Where no one and everyone is listening.

I don’t know if you guys remember my post about my grand dad.. if you do, you’ll remember what an amazing man he was and how much I wish I was like him.

Well, a last night my mum said something to me that made me want to tear up. She was reading a magazine published by the college my grandad founded in which a few people said some things about him. Suddenly, she called me to her room and said to me, ‘I was just reading this incident written in here about my father, and I realised, you are a lot like him!’

I was quite blank at first, but then I asked her to read the passage to me and explain why she thought so.

I don’t know why, but it isn’t very often that anyone compares me to any of my family, or tell me about how I’m similar to my parents. I see a few things but I’d rather not point them out myself. I’m not sure why though…

Anyway, to be told I’m like a family member was good enough, but when my mum told me that I was quite like my grandad, I was blown away.

This next part may sound like I’m boasting, but I’m not..

The incident that she was talking about was as follows:

My grandad had gone to his teacher’s town to attend a wedding. When I say teacher, I mean the person who had him interested in poetry and opened up that whole world to him. He had already passed away by this time.

My grandad was asked to prepare a speech for the happy couple. So when it was time to say what he had to say, he started with a short poem respecting the memory of his teacher. It was rather unexpected and left everyone baffled. The poem itself talked about what a great man his teacher was, and how lucky my grandad had been to become his apprentice.

He paused after reading the poem and looked around at the stunned faces and broke into a smile, ‘did you think I would come to my teacher’s town without paying my respects to his memory?’ He said.

After hearing all of this, I asked my mum what was so similar about us, I mean I don’t do any poetry (I have tried though… tried and come up with such morbid stuff that it makes me wanna die. It’s weird, whenever I decided to write a poem, the voice in my head goes all serious and my mood goes all doom and gloom…. not sure why… actually, I might have a theory or two – no, I do not think it’s because I’m a depressed child – but I’d like to keep those to myself.) So she told me that,how he put so much thought into this one tiny speech that he had to give, and took his feelings towards his teacher into consideration and prepared his speech accordingly, was very much like me.

That’s probably because she has seen me when I’m trying to put together a gift for a friend, or when I’m writing something dedicated to someone over here, I put a lot of heart into it. In such moments, I do or say whatever my heart thinks is perfect for that certain time.

She also says that my creative side comes from him too. I understand that bit because quite honestly no one in my family is into any kind of art. And I like to think that my photography is an art of sorts.

Which reminds me, I think my heart is taking a break from photography. It feels like I’m too busy to even take a second to capture a spontaneous photo moment. A good friend of mine says that it’ll all come back to me, and I hope she’s right.

My mom also says that the compassion I feel towards others, that sense of selflessness in the case of some people, is another one of his attributes. (At this point I’m hoping that no one I have to face any time soon reads this.)

It’s really sad how just as I’m realising my connection with my grandad, that all these things seem to be fading away. I now suck at expressing my undying love, cant give someone a special day and don’t seem to care much about how people feel.

I’ve also started to realise that I was actually the only one who cared. You see, if they did care, I wouldn’t be talking about this over here. It may seem like a tiny thing, but it’s important to me. I suddenly feel so lost, don’t know who to turn to when I want to talk about random things.

This last part were my exact thoughts before I realised I’ve got you guys. The same friend who I quoted earlier, said to me that we’re like a bunch friends sitting around a coffee table with our cameras and sharing our experiences.. beautifully put if you ask me.(I had to paraphrase because I have the memory of a goldfish AND I think I’ve just repeated everything I said in the beginning but I don’t want to edit it.)

So thank you for listening, no matter when I decide to drop by and dump it all on you guys.

❀

War.

-B.O.L.

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9 thoughts on “Lost

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